Waiting for Marriage - What Do I Do Now?
article by Amanda Stiver
Do you feel stuck and lonely in the single life - worried that you’ll never find a mate? A right perspective will help - along with taking action.
Source: Photos.comDuring our teens we may imagine that marriage and family will just "happen" to us when we get older—that things will somehow come together. But as we go through our adult years, it doesn't always seem that way.
A favorite song of mine, "Waitin' for My Dearie" from the 1950s musical Brigadoon , contains this meaningful lyric: "Waitin' for my dearie, an' happy am I to hold my heart till he comes strollin' by."
The setting of the story is an imaginary Scottish village that appears only once every hundred years. In the village lived a young woman with no hope of finding a potential mate, as all the young men were either married, about to be, or unsuitable. However, a happy ending comes when a young hunter lost in the woods stumbles upon the village the one day it appears and decides to stay and marry the maiden.
Her song is the ultimate "singles" plea. In the course of the lyrics, she determines to keep her heart safe until the right man comes, accepting that marrying for the sake of being married is not the answer and that, if push comes to shove, she will remain unmarried if that right mate doesn't appear.
It's a lovely lyric, but a hard truth. In the culture of those striving to faithfully follow God, there is an expectation of marrying for life. Yet sometimes others view our single state as Job's friends viewed his misfortune—we must have done something wrong to not yet be wed!
Do you feel stuck in singleness—whether not yet married, previously married or widowed? Is that the right focus? Is there something greater than looking for a potential mate around every corner? What should we put before romance and marriage—and what should we do?
Changing times and morals
A century or more ago, getting married was a societal expectation, with marriages commonly arranged by parents and typically occurring at much younger ages than now. Life was tougher then, and marriage was an economic advantage. Two people working the farm and keeping the house were better than one.
Times change, and today marriage is no longer a given. In fact, the idea of traditional marriage itself seems antiquated to some, as they experiment with lifestyles and living arrangements that ignore and violate God's laws for our health and happiness.
Of those who do marry, many have lived together and/or had children together. Some singles are sexually promiscuous, thinking it will free them from the "bonds" of marriage while still providing an outlet for their needs. This "solution" causes sad and excruciating consequences. However, popular media often portrays such choices without a hint of the inevitable misery.
It's hard to swim against the immoral current in our world. It's even harder to find a mate who shares the desire to follow God's law and commit to a lifelong, faithful, true-love marriage. Despite so many who are seeking, it can seem like there isn't a potential mate anywhere.
See the bigger picture
Then again, it's worth considering that we ourselves might not yet be perfect mate material. Maybe that's why God gives us extra time to work on those details.
If we are faithful to God, keep his commandments, including His Sabbath and the Holy Days, seek baptism, and actively serve His true Church, we sometimes scratch our heads trying to figure out why God hasn't bestowed on us a marriage partner. Isn't that part of the package? God blesses us, yes, but in His good time!
Before we go "looking for love" in seeking a potential marriage partner, there are other things we should be focused on.
Our relationship with God the Father and our Savior Jesus Christ must of course come first. Humanly, we can't marry into the Kingdom of God. We must each work out our own salvation through Christ (see Philippians 2:12). Even if we've been doing well in various respects, there is always more room for spiritual growth.
Secondly, there are other people out there (and I don't just mean marriage fodder) who need us to be their friends, male and female, young and old! In addition to community, we attend congregations full of them—or sometimes not so full, which is why we often feel single in the first place. But all congregations need people who aren't restricted by family responsibilities to help get things done. Singlehood can be very active and extremely social!
Thirdly, our mission in following God is to further His work of proclaiming the good news of the coming Kingdom of God—the message Jesus Himself proclaimed (see Mark 1:14-15 [14] Now after that John was put in prison, Jesus came into Galilee, preaching
the gospel of the kingdom
of God,
[15] And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel.
See All...). We do all that we can to help promote that wonderful truth to those around us in this world. We can choose to be a weak little flame or a glowing LED light of positive example to those around us (see 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 [32] But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
[33] But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
[34] There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
[35] And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
See All...). Being single often gives us more time to spend glowing—we just have to ask God for opportunities.
Make an active life
Are there any singles of the opposite sex in God's Church that you have the opportunity to date? That's great. Do so, but get to know them for their character and personality, not just for chemistry or looks. Be in contact with God, be a nice person, be a good listener, learn social skills, and don't worry if this is or isn't your Mr. or Miss Right. On the good authority of a number of married friends: When the right person has arrived (or you have arrived, depending) you will both know—but ask God for eyes to see that.
What if there isn't anyone in your age group to date? Do other stuff! Be active in your community to be a good example to others of God's way of life (see Matthew 5:14-16 [14] Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
[15] Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
[16] Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
See All...). Be active in the Church—including in its singles programs, and that includes young twentysomethings too! The point is to be nice to people and make friends—not just to find romance. The more young people who are involved in the program, the more there will be to meet!
Pursue life goals—don't just wait for them to happen to you. Learn to dance the highland reel, or to rock climb, or to speak a new language, or whatever! Ask God for a contented spirit, not resentful resignation—which is a tempting but unhappy attitude. True contentment is happiness resulting from trusting that God has not forgotten us.
Most importantly, talk to God. Tell him how you feel, especially if you feel lonely. Being lonely is typically a result of being alone. If you're experiencing this, find a way to reach out to others. Maybe write a letter, phone a friend, join a chess tournament—I jest a little on the latter, but the only antidote to loneliness is outgoing-ness!
Make use of singlehood. Develop yourself. Ask for true contentment. And above all, trust God—it may be tough, but together we can get through it with His help.
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